Finding Absolute Joy in Times of Despair

Wow so I come back from this mountaintop experience with God and BOOM it’s like all hell fire unleashes! At first I couldn’t quite put my finger on the reason, then God showed me that the eyes of my heart were delighting in something (someone!) else and He didn’t have 100% of my heart. He wants 100% of your heart, not 99%! Have you ever thought of that? Because He is a jealous God and all competing affections must go, and painful as it may be, in his perfect wisdom and mercy He will do whatever it takes to remove them.

Elizabeth Elliot once said, “Turn your loneliness into solitude and your solitude into prayer.” Ok! I’m a pretty happy person but when I do get hit with discouragement or loneliness (yes I am human :) I think of what she said and take it as a special call from God that He wants to spend extra time with me. Yesterday and today I have spent every moment I possibly can saturating myself in the scriptures and prayer like my life depends on it. Because it does. Right now it really does.

Life was so much simpler when I was a child. I long for the days when my greatest decisions were which doll I would play with next or how I would manage to get out of doing Math for the morning. The days when my greatest worry was that the ice cream truck would not come by and my greatest fears that my pet hamster would die like all the others did, or my hair would not curl right even though I slept in the sponge rollers all night!

Yesterday morning and said, “God I’m going to need some extra encouragement from You today, will you love me today in a special way?”

I opened Psalm 4 and read, “Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress…But know that the LORD hath set apart him that is godly for himself: the LORD will hear when I call unto him... put your trust in the LORD. There be many that say, Who will show us any good? LORD, lift thou up the light of thy countenance upon us. Thou hast put gladness in my heart…”

My mom brought in a stack of letters for me in the mail we picked up at the border. The first letter I opened was from a girl I had met and corresponded with years ago. The date of the letter was March 5, 2005. 2005! I know sending mail to the missionaries can take a while, but 3 years?! Well I opened it and read the first few lines and it might has well have been God’s own handwriting in His words to me! As if every single line was scripted specially for my heart. And she even said, “I don’t know if you have graduated from college yet, but here are words of blessing for your life…” And on it read, “I will be your God…abundantly bless you…love you freely…strengthen you…ransom you…be with you…I will never leave you or forsake you.” That’s earth shattering truth for me! Get this, if I had received that letter in 2005 when it was written and sent, the words might not mean what they do now, I had not even graduated yet! But today I just graduated. Today I needed that. Today.

“I am love by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing.”